DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for two years. He has two adult children, ages 27 and 21. They both have good jobs and work full time. I have a son who is 12 years old. The theme is family vacations, and paying for things while on vacation.
I feel that since your children are adults, they should help pay for meals, lodging, and activities. I’m not saying pay the full bill, just add $20 for a meal or even offer to pay for something. Don’t expect him or me to pay just because it’s a family vacation. My 12 year old son paid for his meals alone because he thinks he’s cool, it makes him feel responsible and like an adult. We took a vacation with his 21 year old son, and not once did he offer to pay, or even say thank you.
We get into discussions about this before the holidays. I know they’re not my kids, but what he’s teaching them is that daddy will always pay for everything, even when they have families of their own. Please advise. — ANNOYING IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ANNOYING: His knight friend’s “children” behave this way because they have been taught to do so by their father, who seems to enjoy being the beneficent provider. If you’re smart, you’ll stop starting arguments about this because the dynamics aren’t going to change and he’ll resent you for it. If you persist, you may end up ruining your relationship with a “wonderful” man.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I do not have children. His family (sister, cousins, etc.) organize family gatherings two to four times a month. My husband and I work. My own family doesn’t have many gatherings. I have a hobby that I would like to pursue and am considering pursuing it more deeply when I retire. He complains that I want to spend what’s left of our weekend on it.
I can’t seem to make my husband understand that although I like his family, I don’t want to see them to the exclusion of my hobbies and our collective interests. He and his parents wait for me at all these events. I go, and when I do, I have a good time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want time for myself.
Unfortunately, my husband is not interested in my hobby. There are other activities that we do together, although we don’t have much time for them due to their family events. How do I make him understand that he should be supportive? — NEED FOR BALANCE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR WHO NEEDS BALANCE: What you need to convey to your husband is that you would have more time together if you saw your family less than four times a month. If that’s not acceptable to him, sometimes he can go without you. Give it a try and you may find that there is more quality time to spend with him on some of those weekends.
DEAR READERS: I wish a very happy Mother’s Day to mothers around the world: birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, step-mothers, grandmothers raising grandchildren, and double-duty parents. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not just today, but each and every day. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
